


you always want what you're running from (and it's always been that way)

by ANNECY



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, And a happy ending, Insecure Louis, M/M, Marriage Proposal, always harry and louis, and fluff, and im really bad at tags, and maybe a bit of smut, and on a holiday, because they see the world, it is harry and louis tho, kind of, mentions of previous realationships, modest is great, roadtrip au, there is angst, they're famous, though they kind of fly a lot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-20
Updated: 2014-04-20
Packaged: 2018-01-18 09:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,396
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1423591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ANNECY/pseuds/ANNECY
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry came back around ten that night, holding a small box in his hand. Louis opened his eyes sleepily and smiling. </p><p>“Come to bed H, I miss you,” he whispered and Harry shed his clothes and crawled into the bed, pressing up against Louis' back. He kissed his shoulder and neck and let his hands wander over Louis' naked body, before settling them on his stomach and breathing out deeply. </p><p>*</p><p>louis can't really let go of his past and harry just loves him very much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you always want what you're running from (and it's always been that way)

**Author's Note:**

> title from Ellie Goulding's BITTERSWEET
> 
> this took me very long to write. hope it's worth reading.
> 
> excuse my French, its a bit rusty, thank God for google translate.

**.o**

This was the first time in all the years that they'd been together that Louis woke up first on one of their days off. He blinked his eyes open slowly, the weak sunlight crept it's way through the blinds, hurting his eyes. He could hear birds chirping happily and he almost groaned because they woke him up and that was just not done on his day off.

 

Normally Harry would be the first to wake up. He'd kiss Louis softly, his lips lingering against his temple before getting out of bed to go for his morning run. Louis would always wake up to feel Harry's kiss, but fall asleep again as soon as Harry would walk out of the bedroom.

 

Today was different though. It was early, earlier than the usual time Harry would wake up, but it was light out and the birds were still mercilessly chirping and Louis felt something thick and heavy weighing on his chest. The feeling made his eyes well-up with salty tears and his breath hitched.

 

There was something awfully familiar about this feeling and it scared him, his heart beating fast and unsteady while his lungs felt too big for his chest. Still, he just couldn't get enough air in his lungs. He felt sad and it was weird, because he didn't know why, there was just _something_.

 

Louis slowly untangled himself from Harry, making sure the younger man kept his eyes closed and his breathing steady. When he looked at the time, it had just gone past seven thirty AM, which meant that it wasn't all that early and Harry hadn't gone for his usual run. Louis picked up a hoodie from the foot of their bed and shuffled out of the room quietly, leaving Harry to sleep a little longer.

 

**#**

 

“Good morning,” Harry greeted Louis an hour later when he stepped into the kitchen. He yawned and stretched his arms up above his head, showing Louis a small sliver of skin and the _might as well..._ tattoo. Louis looked up from his Macbook for a second, before smiling and returning his attention back to the screen in front of him.

 

“Hi, how'd you sleep?”

 

“Fine, it's late though, guess I needed the rest,” Harry laughed, lowly and pressed a kiss in Louis' hair. Louis scrunched up his nose, pushing his glasses back a bit more.

 

“Yeah, guess you did,” Louis mumbled back, clicking away a few webpages, opening new ones in their place.

 

Harry busied himself making tea and putting a new, steaming cup next to Louis on the table. “What are you doing exactly?”

 

“Nothing,” Louis murmured, picking up the tea and burning his tongue sipping it slowly. Harry raised one eyebrow, sitting down across from Louis. “Okay, fine – I just, I need to get away for a bit.”

 

“What?”

 

“I mean – ”

 

“Are you – Lou, did I, like, did I do something? Like, wrong?”

 

Louis looked up then, seeking out the panic in Harry's voice. He cringed when he saw Harry's green eyes full of concern and maybe a bit of fear. Louis breathed out a harsh breath, he hadn't meant to scare Harry, he just wanted to get away from London for a bit. Maybe he just wanted to get away from being _Louis fucking Tomlinson_.

 

“No, no, H, that's not – I didn't mean it like that, I think – I think _we_ need to get away from here for a bit, that's – Yeah.”

 

Harry's muscles seemed to relax again, his whole body slumping with such relief Louis almost wanted to cry.

 

“And where are we going then?” Harry asked slowly, still not sure.

 

“I don't know, just take the first plane out.”

 

**#**

 

**.i**

And that's how they found themselves at London Heathrow, with both having only packed clothes for a week and two seats in Economy Class to the airport of Lyon, France.

 

**#**

 

As soon as they landed, Harry went to get their baggage, while Louis went to rent a car, showing his drivers licence and passport. He paid, took the keys and rushed out and found Harry waiting patiently. The younger man smiled at him with tired eyes, his dimples showing and Louis' heart felt too big for his chest, but he pushed back the feeling and took his duffel from Harry, leading the way to a silver Jaguar XF. 

 

**#**

 

A little more than an hour later Louis pulled up at the hotel. He'd called before they'd gotten on the plane in London and asked for a room for two and when he'd said his name, the woman on the other side had stuttered for a bit. He'd made her promise not to call anyone and to make sure no-one was coming out to meet them to carry their bags.

 

Louis looked over at Harry next to him, the younger man had curled up against the door, his curls falling everywhere and his lips parted slightly. His breathing was soft and even, Louis almost didn't want to wake him up.

 

“Harry, hey,” he said softly, shaking Harry's shoulder a bit. Harry's breath hitched, slowly he opened his eyes, blinking at Louis. He smiled softly.

 

“Hi, hey, I'm sorry, did I – How long have I been asleep?” Harry asked, his voice rough with sleep. Louis smiled, leaning over the console and pressing a lingering kiss to Harry's temple.

 

“About three quarters of an hour, but that's fine, love. Come on, let's get inside and something to eat.”

 

Harry blinked again, sighing he sat up straighter and stretching a bit. Louis watched him closely and got out of the car to get their bags. Harry carried them inside, while Louis went to check in. The young woman behind the reception smiled kindly at him, looking over his passport without showing she recognized him. She handed him the keys to their room, called someone to carry their bags and showed them the way.

 

Louis sided up next to Harry, who was carefully watching all the pictures at the walls in the lobby.

 

“Do you think like – Is there going to be a picture of us there too, someday?” Harry asked slowly, staring at a picture of Paul McCartney. Louis chuckled.

 

“Maybe, in thirty years, when we're old and if we're still remembered then,” Louis answered truthfully, linking his ring finger and pink together with Harry's. The younger man looked at him sideways and tilted his head.

 

“Why not now?”

 

“Because we're not nearly as famous as the Beatles H. And we're young, so.”

 

“We are though,” Harry said, pulling Louis along, following the girl to their room. Louis laughed silently, pressing himself against Harry side.

 

As soon as the girl left them alone in their room, promising room service would be brought soon, Louis stripped off all his clothes and walked into the bathroom, turning on the shower. Harry smiled when he heard the door close and lock and he let himself fall back on the bed, turning on the telly and flipping through the channels.

 

**#**

 

Waking up the next morning was different. Louis was sure they'd fallen asleep, pressed close and legs tangled. His phone buzzed on the bedside table next to him, waking him up. Louis carefully sat up, looked over at Harry's sleeping figure and blinked against the harsh light from his phone.

 

**Wesley (8:08 AM)**

hi louis, how r you?

 

Louis breath hitched, his hands started shaking and his heart felt like it was going to jump out through his throat. He clenched his jaw before typing out a simple answer.

 

_im good. You?_

 

He stared at the screen, waiting for a response.

 

**Wesley (8:13 AM)**

im great! How's life? R you still with eleanor, hvnt seen pictures of you in a while

 

Goosebumps formed on his arms and he shivered.

 

_life is good, been busy with the tour, having a few months off. El is fine, still seeing her im in france now tho_

 

**Wesley (8:20 AM)**

yeah saw pics of you and H at heathrow. So you nd him huh?

 

Louis blew out an unsteady breath.

 

_Me and him yeah. _

 

Wesley didn't respond for a while and Louis didn't dare to put his phone back on the bedside table. His whole body was shaking and he was so, so nervous with something he hadn't felt in such a long time. His stomach was doing backflips, which – He wasn't allowed to feel like this.

 

His phone buzzed again. Louis choked on thin air when he read the new message. He read it again and again and then for the fourth time.

 

**Wesley (8:31 AM)**

i miss you

 

**Wesley (8:35 AM)**

i really want to see you

 

**Wesley (8:35 AM)**

can we meet up sometime?

 

**Wesley (8:36 AM)**

please ??

 

Louis stared at his phone, shaking and breathing and _shaking_. He felt Harry behind him move and he locked his screen, closing his eyes, jumping slightly when Harry's warm hand brushed the small of his back.

 

“Hey, Lou, what are you doing?”

 

“Just checking the time,” Louis choked out, clearing his throat before putting his phone away and turning around to face Harry. The younger man smiled up at him, his eyes light and clouded over with sleep. One of his dimples showed and Louis forced himself to lay down again, curling into himself.

 

Harry frowned.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“I'm good, why would you ask that?”

 

“No reason. So, what time is it?”

 

“Half past eight. D'you want to go for breakfast?”

 

Harry closed his eyes, reaching for Louis blindly. Louis hesitated for a second before curling up against Harry's side, pressing his face against Harry's chest. He smelled familiar, safe. Like citrus and lime and the shower gel in the bathroom.

 

“Let's just stay here for a little while longer, hm?”

 

“Okay,” Louis breathed out, relaxing and forgetting.

 

**#**

 

After breakfast Harry pleaded for Louis to come to the pool with him, so that's what they did.

 

“Can you at least pay attention to me?” Harry asked, his tone annoyed and Louis looked up from his phone. Wesley had been sending him texts non-stop.

 

Louis didn't answer, instead he just looked at his phone again, choking on his own breath.

 

**Wesley (11:58 AM)**

do you remember that night at your parents house ?

 

**Wesley (11:59 AM)**

because i do. Would do it again in a heartbeat ..

 

**Wesley (12:03 PM)**

do you ever think about that night? when youre with harry, while he's kissing you

 

Louis choked out a breath, his hands shaking, the phone in his hand feeling heavy and burning. Harry was laying next to him, his eyes closed, his skin slowly burning in the weak spring sun. Louis panicked for just a short second before sending back the only thing he could think of.

 

_Dont you have a boyfriend?_

 

**Wesley (12:09 PM)**

uh yeah, girlfriend

 

**Wesley (12:09 PM)**

and you didnt say no, so you do think about it?

 

**Wesley (12:09)**

and youd do it again, you want to do it again

 

Louis swallowed harshly, turning off his phone and throwing it on the small table with a glare. He felt the familiar rush of adrenaline in his veins, the way his stomach felt all light and full with nervous butterflies like he used to feel before he got all famous. Before he and Wesley had a fight and before he met Harry.

 

“Lou, are you okay?”

 

“I'm good, yeah. Why?” Louis said slowly, looking at Harry for a second before glaring at his phone again, as if Wesley would know he was not pleased with him. Not at all.

 

Oh, who was he kidding. He still felt special and adored because Wesley talked to him again, which hadn't happened in a very long time.

 

“Because,” Harry said, tilting Louis' face so he could look at him, “you're looking at you phone like it personally offended you just now.”

 

 _Oh, yeah, it kind of did._ “I'm sorry? It's just – I don't know. Sorry.”

 

“Did something happen? Did you read something online?”

 

“Nope,” Louis said, popping the _p_. Harry rolled his eyes and leaned in to kiss him gently, pressing his lips against Louis'. Louis breathed in deeply, before kissing back and running his fingers over the bare skin of Harry's stomach.

 

“Can we go for a swim then?” Harry asked with a small smile and Louis laughed, grabbing Harry hand and walking to the edge of the pool.

 

**#**

 

On the night of their fourth stay, they were walking, Louis' fingers linked between Harry's, his free hand playing with their fingers.

 

And suddenly the feeling was back. The heavy, sad feeling, pressing on his chest, making his heart race. His lungs felt too small, like he couldn't get enough air. He watched Harry, a small smile graced his face. His green eyes dancing and he looked so relaxed, more relaxed than he'd been in a very long time and Louis hated himself. Even while looking at Harry, he still saw Wesley sometimes, remembering how his eyes were different from Harry's, but still full of love and warmth. Louis tugged at Harry's shirt.

 

Harry stopped walking, glancing at Louis. “What?”

 

“We need to leave.”

 

“What, why?”

 

“I don't – I just feel like it. Can we leave? Go back to Lyon and get on the next plane out?”

 

Harry frowned, tilting Louis chin up, up to look at him and search his face. “What's going on with you Louis?”

 

And at that, Louis actually felt tears well up in his eyes, his bottom lips wobbled dangerously. “I don't know Harry, I'm sorry. Just, I want to leave, please,” Louis breathed out, wiping at his eyes furiously. Harry clenched his jaw, before nodding slightly.

 

“We're going to get something to eat, go back to the hotel and have a good night of sleep. We're driving back to Lyon tomorrow, promise.”

 

“Okay.”

 

**#**

 

Harry drove them back to the airport the next day, while Louis kept quiet, his eyes on the trees and cars and houses they'd pass. They hadn't seen anything from the small village of Vonnas.

 

**.ii**

Two hours later they landed at Nice Airport, tired and disorientated. Harry was carrying their bags, while Louis went to find the information desk. The young man at the information desk smiled at him, gave him the address of an amazing hotel.

 

“It's about forty minutes from here, Sir.”

 

Louis smiled. “Thank you. Where can we find a cab?”

 

“Just follow the parking signs, Sir, you'll see them as soon as you get outside. Have a pleasant stay, Sir.”

 

Louis smiled again, collected all the information and papers and tipped his imaginary hat. “Thank you.”

 

Harry was waiting a few feet away, waving at a small group of girls, who were huddled close, glancing and whispering. Louis snorted and nodded towards the exit, Harry followed close behind him.

 

**#**

 

“So, where are we going?” Harry asked, eyeing the sea on his right. The colour was a clear blue, with dark spots and light where there was sand. Louis looked at his right, seeing all the people, walking, skating, running or simply hanging around. The sun shining bright, heating up the sea and the streets.

 

“A hotel.”

 

“Right, duh. Which hotel? And where?”

 

Louis paused, turning to look at Harry, taking his hand and holding it. “A small village, it's called uh, Beaulieu Sur Mer? It's – The hotel is the Royal Riviera. The man at the desk called and booked us a room already.”

 

Harry smiled, bringing his hand up to his face and kissing Louis' knuckles one by one. “Okay.”

 

**#**

 

The hotel was located on a small cliff, looking out over the Mediterranean. It had a pool and two great restaurants, a small mini-golf track and a ping-pong table. All in all, the hotel was really great. They checked in, the girl behind the reception smiling politely and showing them the way.

 

Harry thank her when they got to their room, giving her a ten Euro tip and closing the door behind her softly. When he turned around, Louis was staring at his phone, glaring at it and Harry assumed he had turned it on again.

 

“I'm taking a shower. Are we going for lunch after?” he asked before walking into the bathroom and looking around. Louis made a non-committal sound and Harry rolled his eyes.

 

Louis walked over to the bed when he heard the door click shut and sat down, desperately trying to think through the thought running through his head. Everything was spinning and he was sure he was going to be sick.

 

He had ten missed calls and two texts from his mum. Three texts for Lottie, one from Fizzy and a missed call from Modest. He looked over the two texts from Liam and sighed.

 

**Liam (07:10 AM)**

Lou, where the hell are you? And why aren't you answering. Are you okay? Is H okay? Give me a call, alry? Modest is pissed. Love you man x

 

**Liam (09:58 AM)**

Louis, I'm serious. We're kind of worried about you. Well, I am. Did something happen?

 

He blew out a breath, closing his eyes and biting his lip.

 

_I'm fine Liam, just needed to get away. H is okay too. I just needed to be away from everything. We'll be back soon! Love you too mate xx_

 

He hit send and opened the last text he'd received, just an hour ago.

 

**Wesley (12:38 PM)**

youd do it again, I know you would. You loved me once Lou, youve loved me for six yrs. Dont think id forget.

 

Louis actually let out a sob at that, because he was right. He was so, so right and it scared him. He'd been over this so many times. He hadn't talked to Wesley in years, hadn't seen him for at least three years and now, now he was telling him this. Now he was talking to him, messing with his head and his heart, which belonged to Harry. _It did_.

 

He'd loved Wesley, sure, because he'd been young and hadn't known what love was and Wesley was there, kissing him and touching him and making him feel special. Wesley had told him he loved him so many times that Louis had felt the need to return the sentiment. Even though he knew he wasn't a hundred percent sure about what he felt.

 

He wasn't in love, he'd never been in love with Wesley. He was in love with the feeling of being loved, being _wanted_. And now he was here, messing everything up, playing with his feelings and making him doubt his feelings for Harry, even if it was just for a second.

 

“Lou?” Harry's voice sounded distant and low. Louis turned to look at the younger man, his tears making his vision blurry.

 

“I'm sorry?” Louis choked out, openly sobbing now. Harry frowned, hesitating for a second before dropping his towel and pulling on a pair of joggers. He walked over to Louis, cautiously, sitting next to him.

 

“What are you sorry for love? Can you tell me?”

 

“I don't – I'm n-not sure if you'd – want to know,” Louis hiccuped, gasping for air and pulling at Harry, curling up against his chest and hiding his face because he felt so, so, so ashamed.

 

“Lou, what are you talking about? Did you do something? Did something happen to you or your mum or your sisters? Lou – Louis, you're kind of scaring me. What's going on, sweetheart?”

 

“I – I love you, H, okay? You – You know, r-right?”

 

Harry's frown deepened, his eyes glazing over with something close to fear. “I know, love, I know. I love you too, but – What –”

 

Louis held his breath before pulling away from Harry, looking at him and staring at him, his face blank. He wiped the tears from his face.

 

“I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm sorry, I just – It's fine, I'm okay. I'm taking a shower, okay? After that we're going out for lunch, hm?” Louis smiled, pressing a kiss against Harry's temple and standing up. Harry let go of his waist in the motion and looked at Louis, trying to see past the blank façade of the older man.

 

“Okay, love. I'll wait for you.” Harry stood up too, grabbing Louis' wrist before he could walk into the bathroom.

 

“Hey, just – Let me just –” Harry tilted Louis chin, up, up and kissed him, pressing him close, close, _closer_. He breathed Louis in and Louis let his hands slide up Harry's bare arms.

 

“I'm sorry, it won't happen again,” Louis breathed out against Harry's lips, kissing him again and again, before stepping back and grinning happily. Harry nodded slowly, letting go of Louis' wrist, watching him walk into the bathroom.

 

**#**

 

“I think I'll have the Caesar Salad,” Louis said, looking at the menu. Harry hummed, taking a long drink of his water.

 

“Okay.”

 

Louis looked up, frowning at Harry. He snapped out of his frown when a man dressed in black dress pants and a white button-up showed up at their table.

 

“Si vous avez un choix à faire?”

 

Harry looked up too, smiling and nodding.

 

“Oui, il va falloir la salade César et je vais avoir le hamburger, s'il vous plaît.” The man nodded.

 

“Certainement, monsieur,” the man said, clasping his hands together and walking away. Louis followed the man with his eyes, before snapping his attention back to Harry. Harry had is fingers pressed together, his elbows on the table and looking at Louis. His eyes dark, the tattoos on his forearms standing out against the pale skin.

 

“Are we going to talk about what happened?”

 

“I uh – No. I don't want to.”

 

“You don't want to?”

 

“That's what I said.” Louis pursed his lips.

 

“And how do you think that makes me feel, _Louis_?” Harry's voice was hard, low. Threatening. Louis flinched, closing his eyes. Harry had never, not even when the were fighting, used his full name with so much venom behind it.

 

“I don't – It shouldn't make you feel anything. It was nothing Harry, _nothing_. I just had a bit of a break down. I don't know why, there's nothing wrong!” Louis hissed lowly, looking around for people who might be listening. From the corner of his eye he was a woman looking at them, a phone in her hand.

 

“It shouldn't make me feel anything, huh? Well, it does Louis. It fucking does, because I love you and you're my boyfriend. I'm worried about you, because someone does not just break down like that and say everything is fine an hour later. That just does not happen. So, fuck you if you say I shouldn't feel like this. What the hell is going on Louis?”

 

Louis clenched his jaw, feeling his phone buzz in his pocket. “Do you want to do this here, now, like this?”

 

Harry narrowed his eyes at him, looking up when the man from earlier appeared with their food. “Merci,” he said, smiling his dimpled smile, though his eyes stayed hard and cold. The man nodded politely, smiling at Louis and leaving them alone.

 

“Yeah, you know what, lets eat and go for a walk later, okay? We'll talk later.”

 

Louis took a bite from his salad and nodded. “Fine.”

 

**#**

 

They walked. They didn't touch, they didn't talk. Harry had his hands in his pockets, his sunglasses perched on his nose, hiding his eyes. Louis felt weird, nervous, like Harry was going to lash out at him at any second. His phone buzzed again.

 

**Wesley (13:22 PM)**

are you ignoring me now ?? real mature lou

 

**Wesley (14:45 PM)**

i know you still love me lou . i was your first with evrythng ure not gonna forget about me

 

And then Louis knew. He knew how wrong it was to talk to him, how bad he felt and then everything stopped. He stopped thinking and breathing and walking. Harry was looking at him, his sunglasses in his hands, his eyes cold, emotionless. He saw the texts.

 

“Harry, I'm –”

 

“Sorry? Are you really?” Harry yelled at him, blowing up at him without warning. Louis flinched, dropping his phone and stepping away. Harry gripped his wrist, yanking him back.

 

“What the actual fuck Lou! Are you – He's joking, am I right?” Louis didn't react. “Answer me! Am I right?”

 

Louis gulped, his eyes starting to water, his bottom lip wobbled. “I –”

 

“Fuck you, Louis. I'm really disappointed in you. I thought –” Harry took a deep breath, letting go of Louis.

 

“Shit, Harry, listen, let me explain. Please. I can. I can explain!” Louis panicked, people were staring.

 

“Explain what, Louis? Who is he?”

 

“What?” Louis asked, his voice sounded off, distant and hollow.

 

“Answer the damn question Louis. Who the fuck is he?”

 

“Wesley. Wesley Farrington,” Louis choked out, tears falling down.

 

“That's his name Louis. How the fuck – Did you like – How do you know him?” Harry sounded desperate, like he didn't want to be angry, but was anyway, because he was supposed to feel like that.

 

“It's – Long story, can we go back to the hotel and talk – In private?”

 

“Fine. Go, walk. I'll meet you there, I just – I need time, Louis. A little bit of time,” Harry said slowly, turning away from Louis and walking away.

 

**#**

 

“Shit, shit, shit! Fucking _Wesley_!” Louis yelled frustrated, throwing everything within reach at the wall above the bed. He was fucking angry, white hot anger surging through his veins.

 

_fuck you Wesley. Fuck you._

 

**Wesley (16:55 PM)**

yeah you can id love you too (;

 

_you just fucked up my whole fucking life wesley_

 

**Wesley (16:57 PM)**

I dont think so. you still love me

 

**#**

 

Louis held his breath when the door to their hotelroom opened.

 

Harry looked tired. His eyes were red from crying, his cheeks covered with red patches, he sniffed and ran his hands through his hair when he looked at Louis.

 

He sat down at the edge of the bed.

 

“Talk.”

 

Louis gulped.

 

“Okay, so, he uh – Wesley. He uh – We like – Went to the same school? And – Shit, let me just –” Louis took a deep breath, sitting down in front of Harry, on the ground, curling up into himself. He hugged his knees close to his chest.

 

The familiar feeling pressing on his chest was back again and he remembered. He remembered when he would feel like this when Wesley wouldn't talk to him and was interested in another boy or girl. He'd feel left behind and alone, though he was rarely alone. He felt like an outsider, like he wasn't allowed to feel like this, when he would be the one to reject Wesley again and again because he was too fucking scared of his own feelings.

 

“Start at the beginning,” Harry said softly, his anger had faded, making place for something like confusion and sympathy.

 

“Okay, so. Yes. Okay. I was twelve when I got to know him, Wesley. He had just moved to Donny from London. It was strange, y'know? Like, what would you want to do in Donny if you're from London, right? Well, he was like – He had brown curls, not as dark as yours and more curly? He had brown eyes, wide and honest and he wore glasses, making him look a bit nerdy, but – He made fast friends, laughing and joking around with everyone. He had a lot of confidence like that.

 

“So, when he approached me, I kind of well – He was very charming. Or, I thought he was. He knew exactly how to play with my feelings and well, I was twelve. I was doubting my feelings, about everything. When Stan was looking at girls, I was looking at boys, y'know? Like the cliché, that's how I kind of knew I was gay. And that's, like, okay? I mean, I'm fine with being gay. That's –”

 

“You're getting off track, Lou.”

 

“Right,” Louis coughed, closing his eyes. “So, we got to talk more and more. He was a lot of fun, made me laugh and he made me feel special. He started leaving hints, small touches, lingering stares, secret smiles all that. It was great, it was uh – exciting? I'd never had this kind of attention, so – And then, like, the next school year he kind of took me on a date? Well – He asked me to walk home together and well.

 

“We talked and he told me he thought I was beautiful and he liked me and – I felt special. He held my hand, touched my cheek, was proper romantic. He kissed my cheek and – I don't know. Things escalated from there pretty quick.

 

“We never went on dates, ever. Not once. Not alone anyway. I always chickened out when he'd want to meet up to do something. I didn't feel pressured or anything. Just – My feelings kind of scared me? And he was so nice, telling me he loved me and he had me wrapped around his finger in no-time.

 

“I _convinced_ myself I was in love with him. I did. I tried to be honest, to really fall in love with him and – Maybe I did, along the way. Wait, no, I think I did start to _love_ him? But I never was _in love_ with him.”

 

Louis looked up at Harry, who looked like he was about to say something, but Louis shook his head, trying to get his thoughts straight. To get everything back in order.

 

“So, after two years of being all complicated and fucked around, I told him. I cried and told him I loved him too and how much it hurt when he'd talk to me about whatever boy or girl he'd like every other week.

 

He smiled and kissed me for the first time and – It was fucking disgusting,” Louis laughed softly, shaking his head at the memory. Wesley had been so fucking rough and his tongue had forced Louis to open his mouth.

 

“But nevertheless, we kissed again and again and again and I got used to it. But then, _shocker_ , he told me he was in love with Hannah. And I like – I shrugged it off, told him okay, fine. And we didn't talk for a long, long time.

 

“He uh – He made her crazy, literally. She started hearing voices, got in trouble at home, went to move in with him and his parents and – He made he stay away from me. He hurt her, or so she told me. He pushed her from the stairs, against walls. He pushed her through the telly one time. We uh – weren't allowed to talk, because of him I almost lost my best friend. And – I still fucking didn't mind, because he made me feel special.

 

“I eventually knew I never loved him, I loved the way he treated me, made me feel. I wasn't addicted to him, I was addicted to the attention he gave me. It got so far I couldn't sleep if he didn't talk to me at least once a day. I was pathetic.”

 

Louis stopped talking, wiped at his cheek furiously, shaking.

 

“Lou –”

 

“No, don't. It's fine. I uh – when I auditioned for X Factor, I hadn't talked to him in almost a year. Hadn't seen him for almost two. So.”

 

“Louis, can I just – He said he was your first?” Harry whispered, not looking at Louis, but getting up to sit in front of him, face to face.

 

“He uh – The night of graduation? My mum and Mark were in Manchester for the weekend with the girls? He uh – I made him a promise. He texted me, asked me if he could sleep over and I was – I needed him. Not like – I needed his attention and I thought _maybe I'm ready_ , I uh – He came over, he was drunk, but not enough to like – Not remember.

 

So, we uh – We had sex. It was our first time, _my_ first time and when I woke up the next morning I panicked. I made sure he was still asleep, slipped out of my room, showered like – three times. I felt used and dirty and I wanted to throw up. But he woke up, heard me in the shower and I fucking cried when he crowded me up against the cold shower wall, because I was disappointed in myself.

 

He kissed me gently, gave me a blowjob, showered himself and then left.”

 

Harry hissed. “He left?”

 

“Yeah, he uh – He had to work? It was fine though. We never saw each other again.”

 

“Did he, contact you again, before, today?”

 

“Yes,” Louis choked out, flinching away from Harry when he looked up, his eyes sharp. Harry snarled at Louis.

 

“You talked to him before?”

 

“No! This is like, the first time in three years that he contacted me. I promise, I swear!” Louis pleaded. Harry was shaking, his fingers curling around the pillow he was holding.

 

“Lou, why now? Is he the reason – Is he why we're here now?”

 

“Maybe? No, I don't know. When we left, he didn't – I wanted to leave because – I feel like – It just something familiar and heavy that just kind of presses against my chest? Like I can't breath? I don't know.”

 

“Did you feel like that before?” Harry asked, his jaw clenched.

 

“Yeah, a lot, when we were on tour too. Just, when we're on tour, there's you and Liam and Niall and Zayn to distract me from the feeling? It feels like drowning H,” Louis whispered, wanting to curl up against Harry's chest, breathing him in.

 

“Why didn't you tell me?”

 

“What? What was I supposed to say? _Hey, Harry, I feel like I'm drowning, just like when I felt when I was with my ex-boyfriend._ Something like that?” Louis spat, tensing up when Harry flinched.

 

“So, you feel like that because of me?” the younger man said slowly, his voice breaking at the end of the sentence.

 

Louis opened his mouth, but no sound came out and _fuck_.

 

“I make you feel like you're drowning.” He was stating a fact and Louis didn't know. He hadn't known, because he hadn't felt it in such a long time.

 

“No that's – It's me who makes me feel like this Harry. It's just me being a coward.”

 

Harry let out a breath, reaching out and pulling Louis against his chest. “I'm sorry.”

 

**#**

 

Four days later, they'd been to Villefranch-sur-Mer (shopping, walking along the beach, watching boats and people). They'd taken the train to Monaco, walking in and out of _Louis Vuitton_ , _Yves Saint Laurent_ , _Chanel_ and _Zara_. They had sat down at _Hotel de Paris_ to eat, they'd drank a glass of champagne at _Café de Paris_ and spent too much money on clothes.

 

They'd been to Èze Village and drank tea at the _Chateau De La Chevre d'Or_ , they walked through the _Jardin botanique d'Èze_ and bought soap and perfume at _La Maison Gallimard._

 

After another three days, Louis quietly stated he wanted to go to Milan, so Harry packed their stuff, checked out off the hotel and they took the train to Italy.

 

**.iii**

When they got to Milan, they found a hotel near the Piazza del Duomo, got a room and stayed in the rest of the night.

 

Harry played with Louis fingers, who were splayed out against his stomach. Louis had his face pressed against Harry's upper arm, blinking against the sleep.

 

“Hey, H?”

 

“Hm?”

 

Harry took a deep breath and turned over, so he could look at Louis, all the while, holding on to his hand.

 

“Are you still mad at me?”

 

Harry stayed silent for a long time, just looking an breathing and counting in his head. Louis stared back, scared and nervous.

 

“No,” Harry whispered eventually. “Can I read your texts?”

 

Louis sat up, grabbing his phone from the bedside table and handing it over to Harry, who took it from him and turned it on.

 

As soon as the phone was on, texts and missed calls started coming in an Louis bit his lip nervously. Harry scanned every text and call before handing the phone back.

 

“You should call your mum. And Liam.” Harry got up from the bed, walking out of the room, leaving Louis alone.

 

**Liam (17:58 PM)**

fuck you tomlinson. Where the hell are you and why aren't you calling me! Did something happen? Is the feeling back again?

 

**Liam (18:09 PM)**

louis, i'm serious. Call me i'm worried

 

**Liam (18:16 PM)**

at least call your mum? She says harry isn't answering and neither are you. Please ?

 

Louis tried to breath.

 

“ _Hello?_ ”

 

“Liam? Hi,” Louis whispered, trying to concentrate on breathing, the feeling of heavy sadness pressing again.

 

“ _Louis? Jesus, I'm so glad you called! Are you okay? Is everything okay?_ ”

 

“I'm okay Liam. It's just – Wesley has been texting me again and – basically everything is really fucked up. Harry is really angry at me and –”

 

“ _Oh, Lou,_ ” Liam said softly, “ _did you tell him?_ ”

 

“I did, yeah. We're in Milan now, so. I don't know what's going on Liam. I don't know what will happen?” Louis choked out, breathing shallow.

 

“ _Hey, Lou, hey, try to relax okay? Harry is just a bit disappointed I guess. He'll get over it. What has Wesley been texting you?_ ”

 

So Louis told him everything, word by word. Liam hummed and made disapproving sounds and he told him not to worry too much. Liam promised to call Harry and talk to him, in the mean time, Louis had to call his mum and their management, who'd been trying to contact them for a while now.

 

“Okay Liam, I will, promise.”

 

“ _Okay Lou. Hey, just give me a call when you need me okay? No matter what time. I need to know that you're okay._ ”

 

“Okay. Tell Soph I said hi. Love you Liam.”

 

“ _Love you too babe. Call your mum!_ ”

 

Louis laughed at that.

 

**#**

 

He'd called his mum, told her about where they'd been, what they'd seen, but didn't tell her about Wesley. He knew she didn't like him, never had. So he just kept that a secret. He talked to Lottie for a bit, promising her to buy her something in Milan.

 

He talked to their management, promising to be back within the next three weeks.

 

Harry came back around ten that night, holding a small box in his hand. Louis opened his eyes sleepily and smiling.

 

“Come to bed H, I miss you,” he whispered and Harry shed his clothes and crawled into the bed, pressing up against Louis' back. He kissed his shoulder and neck and let his hands wander over Louis' naked body, before settling them on his stomach and breathing out deeply.

 

“I love you Lou,” Harry whispered before they both drifted off to sleep.

 

**#**

 

Louis woke up, his legs tangled with Harry's. His hands pressed between their chests and Louis sighed. He finally felt comfortable and Harry shifted a bit, pressing his face against his shoulder.

 

Soon, Louis drifted off to sleep, again, feeling warm and happy and _safe_.

 

**#**

 

When he woke up the second time, the heavy feeling was back. Harry was nowhere to be seen and the sheets were cold. Louis sat up, the room spinning around him and his vision got blurry. A high, peeping sound in his ears, like he couldn't hear. He gulped for air, his stomach was turning and turning and turning.

 

“Lou?” The voice was far, far away and Louis didn't answer, he tried to breath, tried to get a grip in the spinning room around him. He tried to keep his eyes open, but they closed and closed and stayed closed. He yawned, like that would help against whatever was happening to him.

 

“Louis?”

 

Again the voice, it sounded low and further away. “Louis, are you okay? What's happening? Can you talk?”

 

“I don't know what's happening,” Louis answered. His own voice sounded off. He was out of breath, but he hadn't done anything. He felt a hand on his back.

 

“Come on, lay back down for me Lou, please. Yeah, like that. You're okay. Now, just close your eyes and try to relax. Good boy,” Harry kept talking to him, touching him, holding on to him.

 

“What's happening?”

 

“I think you were about to faint Lou. It's okay, just your blood pressure getting back to normal. Hey, are you feeling better?”

 

“Better,” Louis breathed out. “Though, I think I'm going to be sick.”

 

Harry snorted, but go up of the bed and sat down again on the edge. Louis grimaced, opening his eyes, finding it was much easier. His stomach lurched and he looked at Harry, who was holding a small bin out to him. Louis threw up and clung to the small bin and Harry's hand.

 

“It's okay Lou. It's okay. There, feeling better?”

 

“Hm. I feel gross.”

 

“That's normal. Just, stay here for a bit. I'll get you something to drink.”

 

Harry left Louis to fall back against the bed, taking the bin with him and leaving the room, only to get back with a glass of red lemonade and some cookies. Louis eyed the liquid with wide eyes.

 

“Drink it Louis. You need sugar.” Louis obediently at two cookies and drank the whole glass of lemonade. Harry lay down next to him when he finished and pulling him against his chest.

 

“Get some more rest, I'll wake you up for lunch.” Louis was already fast asleep before the words were out of Harry's mouth.

 

**#**

 

**Wesley (16:45 PM)**

Hey lou hows your holiday?

 

The text came in after a week of radio silence from Wesley's side. Harry was sitting next to Louis, holding his hand on his knee, while leaning his head back to face the sun. They'd been in Milan for a week an a half. They'd visited the Dome, shopped at the small centre around _the Dome_ and ate ice cream ate every shop they'd find.

 

They went to visit Florence and now they were in Como, on a boat at the lake.

 

Louis promptly threw up when he read the text.

 

**.iv**

“I want to go to Amsterdam.”

 

“Again?” Harry asked, kissing Louis neck, pressing him back on the bed. Louis hummed, running his fingers through Harry's curls.

 

“Yeah,” Louis breathed out, when Harry's hand pushed up his shirt, trying to take it off. “Harry, Harry, I'm serious!” Harry grunted at that, letting his head fall against Louis' chest.

 

“Jesus, fine, were leaving tomorrow, now, please – Let me just –” He cut short when he pressed his lips against Louis, kissing, _kissing_ , touching, breathing and Louis opened his mouth without hesitating, _feeling_ Harry.

 

Harry pulled away suddenly, eyeing Louis and making quick work of taking of his clothes. Pushing his shirt up, up, over his head, before undoing his button and zipper on his chinos, pushing them down his legs. Louis breathed out slowly, watching Harry's eyes skim over his body.

 

“You're so, so, beautiful Lou. Did he every tell you that?” Harry whispered, curling his fingers around the hem of Louis' briefs, pulling them down slowly. Louis stuttered out a _no_ , before Harry looked up sharply.

 

“That's right,” Harry said slowly, letting Louis' briefs fall off the bed, crawling up to Louis' face and kissing him again and again, letting his hands wander down Louis' body, stroking over his stomach and thighs but never touching Louis achingly hard cock.

 

Louis whined and Harry bit down on his lip gently, lowering his hips and pushing up against Louis, grinding down, the hard outline of his cock pressing up against Louis'. Louis breathed out a moan against Harry's lips, gripping at Harry's upper arms. Harry kept a slow pace, rubbing against Louis, his own briefs wet with precum, dragging the wet tip of his cock over Louis' balls.

 

“Are you thinking about him?” Harry bit out, grinding down harder, faster. Louis went rigid, stopped breathing.

 

“No, no, fuck – No. Just you, only you,” Louis croaked out, tugging at Harry's curls, pulling him up, up, kissing him and grinding back against him. Harry breathed in and out, harsh, short breaths and Louis wanted him to do more, he wanted more, more.

 

**#**

 

Louis choked out a laugh, pressing kisses all over Harry's chest.

 

“You're disgusting H,” he laughed, feeling Harry's soaked briefs against his hip. Harry hid his face in his hands. Harry pulled out of Louis' grip at got up, walking to the bathroom and cleaning himself up, bringing back a towel for Louis too.

 

“Thanks love,” Louis said with a roll of his eyes, watching as Harry pulled on a fresh pair of briefs, handing Louis a pair too. He crawled back onto the bed, pressing up against Louis' side, breathing in the smell of sex and sweat and _Louis_.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Harry asked, his voice rough and low. Louis hummed, tugging at Harry's curls softly.

 

“Of course you can. What's up?”

 

“Do you ever like – Think about him when we –”

 

“No.”

 

“No?”

 

“Never.”

 

“Right, okay. Never?”

 

“Not while we were having sex Harry,” Louis said, forcing Harry to look at him. He raised a eyebrow. “I might think about him sometimes, just, fleetingly? Like – He was my first, yeah? I'm never going to forget him, that's just how it is. But – He was nowhere as good as you are, with everything.”

 

“Is that a promise?”

 

Louis laughed, “if you want it to be, than it is.”

 

“Good,” Harry whispered, kissing Louis softly. “I want to marry you Lou.”

 

“What?”

 

“Marry me. I want you to marry me. Will you? Will you marry me?” Harry asked, sitting up, throwing one leg over Louis' thighs and placed his hands on the older man's chest.

 

“Marry you? Harry –”

 

“No, look, Louis – I love you, I love you more than my own life and – I think that we've been through so much these past three years and –”

 

“Harry, hey, hey,” Louis said, reaching up to touch his cheek, tapping a slow rhythm. “Married H? You just turned twenty and we're still young and --”

 

“I know, Lou, I know all of that,” Harry whined.

 

“So, can you see where I'm coming from?”

 

“Yes, but I mean – We don't have to like get married right away, right? More like – A promise for the future, hm? Like, we can settle down and get married when this whole media circus around the band dies down. Right?”

 

“A promise for the future?”

 

Harry nodded slowly, his eyes drifting off to his bag at the other side of the room. Louis narrowed his eyes.

 

“A promise for the future, because – I don't think I can fall in love with someone else after I've had your for so long.”

 

Louis actually felt tears welling up at that, sniffing, he smiled at Harry, pulling him close, closer and kissing him. “Okay,” he breathed out against his lips. “Okay, yeah, I love you.”

 

Harry beamed at him, pulling away, getting off the bed and walking over to his bag. Louis sat up, leaning on his elbows, watching Harry's back. He frowned when he saw the small box in his hands and remembered.

 

“Shit,” he whispered. “Is that –”

 

Harry nodded and sat down across from Louis on the bed, opening the box, revealing a small white-gold band with three deep blue diamonds.

 

“Jesus –”

 

Harry smiled, his eyes light and sparkling and he took Louis' hand, slowly pushing the ring on his ring finger. “They're the colour of your eyes.”

 

And Louis burst out sobbing at that, crying and pulling Harry in for a hug, whispering loving words and small secrets in his ear. Harry just held him close, kissing his temple.

 

**.v**

As soon as their plane landed at Schiphol Airport, Louis turned on his phone, breathing out harshly.

 

**Wesley (17:09 PM)**

so, whats all this about you wearing a ring? has he finally grown the balls to ask you to marry him ?

 

Harry eyed him, but didn't say anything.

 

**Niall (17:26 PM)**

mate, i think management is gonna kill ya. Check the mirror website !

 

**Liam (17:30 PM)**

lou, you need to call modest

 

Louis closed his eyes, grabbing Harry's wrist and showing him the texts.

 

“Were in big trouble H,” Louis whispered, looking around for photographers. Harry nodded slowly.

 

“Maybe. Call Modest, I'll go get our luggage.”

 

And with that, Louis was alone, staring at his phone. The ring around his finger burning, feeling heavy and _not right_.

 

With a deep breath he called Modest.

 

“Modest Management, Jessica speaking, how can I help you?”

 

“Hey Jess?”

 

“Louis?” the woman at the other end of the line asked, confused and maybe a little bit concerned. Louis choked out a nervous laugh.

 

“Yeah, I uh – I'm calling about uh – Pictures?”

 

“Ah, yes. The pictures in The Mirror. People are talking about an engagement? Louis, they need you to come back to London and talk about this. Is it true, did he ask you?” He could hear the caution in her voice, but there was a smile forming at the last words.

 

“He did,” Louis said slowly, smiling softly at the memory, “I just didn't think people would notice. We're in Amsterdam now, we'll try to be back later today, if that's – Is that what they want?”

 

“They want all five of you at the office as soon as possible.”

 

“Okay,” Louis whispered, waving at Harry, who was looking for him. Harry nodded at him, signalling for Louis to follow him.

 

“Hey Louis?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Congratulations. I'm very proud off both of you,” Jessica said earnestly and Louis laughed. Feeling lighter than before.

 

“Thank you. We'll be back as soon as possible.”

 

With a small click the line went dead and Louis swallowed harshly, following Harry to the closest check-in desk. He held on to Harry's hand, not looking at the older man behind the desk, who tried really hard to get them a flight back.

 

“All right, here's your ticket. Boarding is in an hour at gate 12D. Your seats are in First Class, seat 1 A and B. Any questions?” The man eventually asked and Harry smiled, squeezing Louis hand gently.

 

“Not at all. Thank you so much for your help. You're amazing,” Harry said and the man smiled.

 

“It's not a problem, Sir. Always happy to help, certainly such a young couple as yourself. You seem in a hurry,” the man said with a wink and sent them on their way.

 

**#**

 

“Maybe I should take it off?” Louis offered, when they sat down at the first Starbucks they walked past. Harry pressed his lips together and looked up at Louis with dark eyes.

 

“So, you don't want this?”

 

“Harry, that's not –”

 

“You want to take the ring off, why would you want to do that if you're serious about marrying me?” Harry snapped lowly. Louis cringed back slightly.

 

“I am serious H, you know that.”

 

“Do I?” Harry bit out. “You know what, fine, take it off, give it back. I don't care.”

 

“Harry –”

 

“No, take it off.”

 

“See,” Louis hissed, “this is what I was talking about. You don't know what you want. You fucking made me accept this ring and now? Now you don't even want to marry me. I told you, you change your mind like that stupid song _Katy Perry_ sang years ago. You know what, fuck you Harry.”

 

Louis slammed the ring down on the small table, watching as Harry picked it up with long fingers, turning it over and over, staring at it with something close to wonder.

 

“I'll be back,” he said suddenly, leaving Louis alone at the table, taking the ring with him. For a second Louis panicked. What is Harry would just leave him here alone, not coming back to London with him? But then he saw the younger man had left his duffel and passport at the table.

 

Louis stared at Harry's retreating back, wondering where the hell he was going.

 

**Wesley (18:46 PM)**

back to ignoring me i see. Great we're still on for meeting up soon ?

 

_dont thnk so. Just bout to board the plane back to LDN, big trouble._

 

**Wesley (18:51 PM)**

yup read the mirror lots of ppl talking bout you .

 

**Wesley (18:51 PM)**

r you okay?

 

_well considering my fiancé just left me. kind of made me take off the fucking ring, id say im fucking fantastic. R you?_

 

**Wesley (19:01 PM)**

thats shit. Sorry . Dyou want me to come get u ?? xx

 

_no im fine and dont xx me yre not allowed to do tht. Fuck off wesley._

 

**Wesley (19:08 PM)**

wow okay sorry for trying to be friendly. You changed man xx

 

Louis groaned and actually didn't know what he was still replying. He didn't like Wesley, he didn't want to talk to him. The feeling was back though, his heart beating like he had run a marathon. His hands were shaking, like he was on drugs and needed another dose.

 

“Louis? Are you – Are you crying?”

 

And fuck if he was. His cheeks were wet and stinging and Harry was looking at him. _Looking through him_ and Louis gulped. Harry was staring, with concerned eyes and a soft smile. The younger man sat down at his previous seat, putting down a small box on the table softly, letting his fingers linger, pushing it in Louis' direction.

 

“Why are you crying, love? Did something happen?” Harry tried again, _pushing_ , wanting to know.

 

“I really don't know,” Louis laughed, wiping his cheeks and sniffling quietly. “I'm sorry, but – Where did you go?”

 

“Open the box Louis.”

 

Louis reached for the small box slowly, opening it and letting out a breath of relief. The ring was still the same, safe for it hanging on a very delicate, white-gold necklace.

 

“Look closely,” Harry pushed gently, tapping Louis wrist. Louis looked up, nodding.

 

“Okay.” He slowly picked up the ring, looking at is, turning it over and over, running his fingertips over the diamonds. A small engraving caught his eye and he actually laughed, because the word was written with graceful letters.

 

_bravery_

 

“You're the bravest person I know,” Harry said gently, linking his fingers between Louis' over the small table. “You're so brave and strong and I admire you so, _so_ much for that Lou. You're a great person, you love so strongly and with all your heart. You're so kind and sweet and you always try to see the best in people, even if that gets you hurt sometimes. You're so good for your sisters and your mum and – I wish I was more like you in that way, but – I'm not and that's okay. But I love you Lou and I want you to remember that every time you look at the ring, okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

Harry took the ring from Louis fingers slowly, getting up and putting on the necklace, letting the ring fall just a little to the left from where Louis' heart was beating double time.

 

“ _And it falls just where it needs to be and rests peacefully, so you just need to breathe to feel my heart against yours now._ ” Louis smiled up at Harry joyfully.

 

“Did you just quote Ed Sheeran?”

 

“Maybe,” Harry laughed, kissing Louis softly, letting his fingers trace over the delicate necklace and pressing down where Louis' heart was still beating too fast. “Only because it's true and I love you.”

 

**.vi**

As soon as they got back to London Heathrow, Paul was waiting for them, leading them away from their fans. They didn't talk, they just followed him, walking a fair distance away from each other.

 

Paul directed them both to different cars. Louis got into a sleek black Mercedes and Harry followed Paul into a dark blue BMW.

 

When they both arrived at the Modest building, Louis looked at Harry, linking their fingers together as soon as the door behind them closed, shielding them from the world outside.

 

The lift brought them to the third floor, making a small dinging sound and the doors slid open. Liam and Niall were already waiting in the few chairs that were standing next to a double wooden door.

 

“Lou!” Liam jumped up, throwing his arms around the older man's neck and Louis barked out a laugh. He let go off Harry's hand and patted Liam on the back.

 

“Hi,” he breathed out and Liam pulled back, studying Louis for a short moment.

 

“You're okay?”

 

“I'm okay, really.”

 

Zayn appeared next to Liam then, taking Louis' hand and raising an eyebrow. “Where's the ring? Did something happen, did you –”

 

Harry stepped up next to Louis then, tugging at the neck of his shirt and taking out the necklace. He held the ring between his fingers and Louis smiled. Niall clapped him on the back while both Liam and Zayn leaned in to study the ring up close.

 

“Congratulations man,” Niall said, grinning and glowing and Louis let out a breath.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“Are you happy? Both of you?”

 

“We are now,” Harry answered lowly just when one of the door opened and Jessica cleared her throat. Louis whipped his head up, Harry pulled the older man against his side. Liam turned to look at her and she waved her hand back to the office.

 

“They're ready for you now.”

 

**#**

 

“So, we want to make sure you all understand what's going to happen now that the Mirror has written a story about Louis and Harry. Because there is going to be a backlash if we decide to let you come out.”

 

Simon was seated in front of them, his elbows on the glass table in front of him, his fingertips pressed together. He stared all of them down with hard eyes.

 

“We understand. We have wanted them to come out from the second they got together,” Zayn said without asking anyone. Liam and Niall nodded next to them and Harry squeezed Louis' hand, where it was resting on his thigh.

 

“All right then. Louis, Harry, you are both free to come out when and how you want. But, we do need a plan. So, the best thing we could think of was to just drop hints. Small touches and kisses every so often where people can see. You're not allowed to talk about it in interviews until we decide and no talking about your relationship with fans, not yet. Are you okay with that?”

 

Louis gulped. Harry was smiling next to him, holding on to Louis' hand. And Louis held his breath. He felt like he couldn't breath, like the world was spinning around and around. He felt sick to his stomach, his head pounding and _spinning._ He felt like he was falling, falling and never hitting the ground.

 

“Lou?”

 

“I think I'm going to be sick,” Louis choked out and Harry got up, kneeling in front of him, tilting his head. Making him focus, looking at him.

 

“Hey, Lou, it's okay, what's wrong?”

 

“I – I can't – I can't do it.”

 

Harry's touch faltered, stopped touching and the room went deadly silent. Louis couldn't hear past the rushing sound in his ears. Harry's eyes grew wide, only a small green band showing around his pupils.

 

“You can't do it?” he whispered, leaning back, letting go of Louis completely. Louis sniffed, closing his eyes against the wave of nausea that washed over him. He heard Harry say something, asking the other to leave them to talk.

 

“I'm sorry,” Louis choked out when he heard the door close. “I'm so sorry. It's not that –”

 

“You don't want this? Why change your mind?” Harry whispered, looking at Louis with sad eyes.

 

“I didn't change my mind H, I want to marry you, still,” Louis said, pleadingly, taking Harry's face in his hands, kissing him softly. “I just don't know if I can come out like management will let us now.”

 

“You want to hide?”

 

“No, no,” Louis breathed out. “I don't want to hide. I don't know – I'm fucking scared H. Don't you get that? What if we lose fans and with that we'll lose our contract and we're going to ruin Liams dream. And Zayns and Nialls and _our_ dream, H. I can't – We're going to ruin One Direction.”

 

Harry closed his eyes and let out a short laugh. “That's not going to happen Lou. Lots of fans want us together. They read fanfiction about us, they _write_ about us. Louis, they all want us two together, we'll lose fans, of course, but not all of them. Never all of them.

 

“It's going to be fine Lou. The lads all said they'd wanted us to come out for a long time. They'll know the consequences. They're fine with it. I promise.”

 

Harry kissed him, gently, running his fingers over the necklace, touching the ring that rested against Louis chest. “I love you so much. We're going to be fine.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

**#**

 

**Wesley (14:59 PM)**

so congratulations are in order is see . i hope youre happy with him lou

 

Harry touched Louis' arm gently, kissing his temple.

 

“I think I'm finally ready to let go,” Louis whispered, turning to press his lips against Harry's jaw. He felt Harry smile, rather than seeing it.

 

“I love you,” Harry said, taking Louis' hand, playing with the white-gold band around his ring finger. He kissed Louis' fingers one by one. Louis giggled, pressing closer to Harry and for the first time in years he felt light. Lighter and free and he could breath.

 

He finally (months after their engagement, when they'd gotten married) knew that he'd never loved Wesley like he loved Harry now. He was just as addicted to Harry as he had been to Wesley, but for different reasons. Wesley was always giving giving _giving_ , asking back more and more and more. Harry never asked for anything, but gave Louis everything. He kissed him in the morning, made sure to be there when Louis woke up (every morning). Harry held his hand, let the whole world know who he belonged to, never went out without Louis, always stayed by his side. He kissed him and talked to him and touched him. He loved him and gave him his heart.

 

And for the first time in his life, Louis didn't even hesitate to hand his own heart over to Harry without even thinking.

**Author's Note:**

> the song quoted somewhere in the fic was from Ed Sheeran's WAKE ME UP, because its a beautiful song and because i can. 
> 
> thanks for reading and wow, i really hope it was worth it.


End file.
